Friday, January 18, 2008

My Predictions for 2008

For my first post ever, I planned to write about my favorite cute kitten video on YouTube, but I ran across a little known rule of blogging which forced me to change my topic. Chapter 256, section 8, rule π of the Blogging Union ByLaws states, “In the month of January, all blogs must include at least one post containing predictions for the rest of the year.” Continuing, it states all predictions must be wildly speculative, possibly delusional, with the blogger claiming special knowledge given to him by an insider during a secret meeting in an underground garage near the Key Bridge in Rosslyn, VA. Extra blog points can be attained if the predictions are controversial and/or incomprehensible.

Not wanting to lose my newly attained blogger union card, and thus the respect of my fellow loud mouthed angry nerds, I have decided to share with you my predictions for 2008.

Prediction 1: The IEcstacy

In a stunning move, Apple will release the IEcstacy in the first quarter of 2008. The IEcstacy will be a small cube like device with no known ports or means of connection. Users will be instructed to place the IEcstacy next to their Mac (You have one right?), and all will be made clear.

The following day, the Internet will be flooded with millions of positive reviews, as every Apple fanboy simultaneously achieve orgasm. Most reviews will include some mixture of professions of undying love for Steve Jobs, comments on how cool it looks, and Microsoft bashing. Though all will agree, the IEcstacy will be even better once they figure out what it does.

Apple stock quadruples.

Not to be out done, Microsoft will release it's own cube called “Hey I'm a cube, aren't I swell”. They will then spend billions on advertising to launch the new cube, claiming how great Microsoft is at innovating.

Expecting lines around the block on release day for Microsoft's cube, Best Buy opens at midnight. However, only one is sold the first day. The second day two are sold when a grandma confuses Microsoft's cube for the IEcstacy. Based on those numbers, Microsoft claims “Hey I'm a cube, aren't I swell” has a 100% increase in sales, and is proportionally, the fastest growing cube on the market.

Prediction 2: Google Life Beta

In 2008, Larry Page and Sergey Brin will become bored with ruling the Internet and Google will expand into meatspace with Google Life Beta. Its features will include, finding the nearest restaurant, keeping track of your friends, completing your homework, writing home to mom, setting you up with a high paying job, a new house, and a really hot girlfriend (or boyfriend, depending on gender and sexual orientation).

The service will be 100% free, but you will be required to wear a Google ad button on your shirt at all times, which will constantly rotate between advertisements selected by geographical, demographical, and situational relevance. For example, while visiting a new city, an ad for a city tour company will appear. If you are a big gamer, ads for the latest Xbox or PS3 games will appear. If you're about to get in bed with that hot new girlfriend (or boyfriend), an ad for Trojan condoms would appear... Unless you are also a gamer, in which case the button will shut off for the night.

Microsoft will cry monopoly, while working on their own version which they will call “Microsoft Human”. It will have half the features of Google Life Beta. The features that it does have will crash constantly, forcing you to get out of bed and start over every few minutes. When questioned about this bug, Bill Gates is quoted as saying, “Six minutes and forty seconds should be enough for anybody.”

Instead of a small button, Microsoft Human looks surprisingly like a ball and chain. Athletes will complain it will slow them down, but Microsoft will dismiss the complaint with, “Most users don't need to move that quickly anyways.” Later, they will claim it is a feature, because who wants to always be rushing through life.

Prediction 3: The Facebook Riots

After repeatedly ignoring privacy concerns, all Facebook users revolt. The revolt initially remains confined to Facebook, but will suddenly explode through the Internet, then out into the streets of every major city.

After seeing the college students and young professionals rioting, and thinking it's the cool thing to do, all MySpace users join in. Hundreds of millions of 14 year old girls, 30 something virgin men, and FBI agents flood into the streets.

Social rioting becomes the next hot technology, and 1000's of entrepreneurs collectively raise billions of dollars to entice more people to riot. When asked how they plan to make money of the rioting, the entrepreneurs will shuffle their feet and mumble something about advertising.

Slashdot (and this blog) will claim the rioting is all a conspiracy orchestrated by Microsoft. Fox News will blame it on liberal Media. Yahoo Answers will claim it has something to do with marshmallows left out in the sun.

Billions die, and civilization collapses.

In the distant future, the human race begins the long hard task of rebuilding civilization. One smart man will come forward armed with ancient wisdom of these things called computers and a world wide network of them called the Internet, and propose rebuilding this technology.

He will be stoned to death.

Prediction 4: 2008 is the year of Linux on the desktop.

Of all the predictions in the post, this one is the least likely to occur.